turtlespeaks: (nervous!)
turtlespeaks ([personal profile] turtlespeaks) wrote2011-01-09 11:03 pm
Entry tags:

Busy week.

Sometimes I wonder how I got to where I am. Like, what or who would I be if I were a different person or even if I had gone right instead of left, if I had been friends with the right person.

When I was very young I wanted to be an actress. With an almost ferocious desperation for it. I liked the attention, I liked to pretend to be other people, and it looked like a lot of fun. Years later after developing an almost debilitating stage fright and realized that I didn't really have a knack for it, I gave up the dream. It still bothers me a little that I gave up on it, because I see actors everyday, and I want to be doing what there doing, but I still tell myself I can't.

I love my job. I really do. I'm living the Hollywood dream, I get to go to a freaking movie set, every day. I meet directors, and camera guys, and stuntmen, and I've seen cars get blown up and I get to go to premiere parties and get to drunkenly tell Summer Glau she's amazingly beautiful. This is stuff I get to do everyday (except the parties.)

But sometimes I miss just being a fan. Looking and a show and following it all with a glossy outline over everything, thinking everything was bigger then it is. Not knowing that it's all just people at the end of the day, doing jobs, many of them frustrating jobs that are annoying in there own right. Back when I watched something and wasn't aware of camera placement, of now may setups are going into a shot that I see. When I couldn't see the set dressing or know that the blood on a shirt was on there before the actor put it on. Hell, before I knew that like in every workplace everywhere, there are people who love to work with each other and there a people who hate each other and there re people who you don't know but pretend you do because my god you see them everyday but they aren't in your department and for the life of you, you can't remember if you've ever met before now.

I am sad that may awesome job has become just that. A job. And I have an 8 am call tomorrow that I don't really want to go to because I have a lot of stuff to get done tomorrow.

And damnit, I still want to be and actress.